Getting started in any story is always the hardest part for me. I tend to be a linear thinker and story-teller. One thing precedes the next, and then leads to the next. For my STBX husband, that often lead to a lot of frustration. "Will you just get to the point!" was his common, frustrated response. By the way, STBX stands for "soon to be ex." That's part of my story, but I'll tell that at another time.
So anyway, as a linear thinker, I always felt that the context or the occurrences that lead up to the big event were important, at least to me. In my opinion, it allows you to possibly understand why the story has unfolded the way that it has. Over the years, I have found that this unfolding is not necessarily important to everyone and they don't care about the big build up. So if you get annoyed, I'm sorry. Like I say on my home page, this is my story!
[note: I left the words "I'm sorry" in here for a purpose. Right now, it's how I think. It's a habit. It's really a bad habit. Many people hear those words and think that I'm saying that I'm wrong, when it is actually just a phrase that I have learned to try to deflect anger or judgement directed toward me. The problem is, the phrase is usually, "I'm sorry, but....", and for those who are expecting an apology after I'm sorry, it leads to more frustration. (Yes, STBX played a big role here.)]
Not wanting to, or liking to, be overly wordy, let me cut to the chase. As I said before, I'm putting it out there. So here's the overview of me...the big picture.
I'm a 53 year old white female. I'm sure that that sentence alone will make some people search for the x in the top left or right of their screen and move on. But, such is life. I don't view myself as being "middle-aged" (oh, the horror!) but, years don't lie. This site is part of a change that is taking place in my life. In some circles it's called a mid-life crisis. I prefer to think of it as a "revisioning." Yes, that's a word that I made up...but I kind of like it. It is part of the vision that I have for my life, and I am revising my life to make it happen.
I grew up in a regular old family, in a regular old neighborhood. Two parents, one brother, a string of pets. Nothing outrageous. The parents stayed married. We lived in the same house my whole life. Pretty unstory worthy so far, at least for the big picture. But as I go on there will be stories, I promise.
High school lead to college. I spent the typical four years, three majors and 182 hours to come out at the end with a teaching degree. (The saying goes, "If you can't do, teach." But I'll save that soapbox for another time.) I have taught students in just about every grade, bounced around a few teaching jobs, took the long way to a master's degree and the relatively short route to a Ph.D. For close to 20 years now I have been an academic. Ha! Let me rephrase that for my own sake, I've worked at a university, I've been a teacher, I've done service and have been, and still am, an administrator. There, I said it. I've never really considered myself an academic. (There are plenty more stories embedded throughout these years as well.)
I mentioned my STBX. I have been married for 29 years. For the last year, I have been separated from my husband. My "fault", if you will...my decision. For me, it has been a good thing. From my marriage, I have three wonderful, and sometimes not so wonderful, children. They are creating their stories too.
Have I bored you yet? Well, if you're still with me, on the surface the picture is rosy. But reality isn't always what you perceive from the outside. In spite of the face I held up to the world, what I hid was over 30 years of verbal and physical abuse. Codependent crap that originated from not knowing and discounting my worth and value to finally recognizing that this wasn't the way I wanted my story to end.
So, there's the big picture...welcome to my revisioning....welcome to my story.
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